DIRTY LIMERICKS

WARNING: These are some of the uncensored lyrics sung at the end of Minehead's May Day celebrations. They are crude and lewd, so if you don't like this sort of thing, go home now.

THE LYRICS:
There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his balls like a dahlia.
Tuppence a smell
Was all very well
But thruppence a lick was a failure.

CHORUS:
That was a terrible song,
Sing us another one
Just like the other one
Sing us another one do!

There once was a local called Land
Who had a quite limber right hand.
One night he screamed,
'That damn Vaseline,
Some bastard has mixed it with sand!'

There was a young man called Neil
Who claimed his todger was like a huge eel.
For girls in the dark
Havin' a lark
Twas only an elver they'd feel.

There was a young lady called Toyah
Who asked her old man to enjoy her.
He said, 'I'd much rather peep
'Up the arse of a sheep.'
What a dirty, old lecherous voyeur!

There was a young man from Montrose
Who had a wet dream I suppose.
The landlady said,
As she changed his bed,
'This didn't come out of his nose.'

There was a young hooker from Looe
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
'If they pay to get in,
'They can pay to get out of here, too!'

There was a young girl from Divizes
Who had tits that were two different sizes.
One was quite small
Hardly anything at all,
But the other was big and won prizes.

There was a young man from 'Arrow
Whose tool was like a vegetable marrow.
He said to his tart,
'Take this for a start,
'And me balls will be along in a barrow.'

There was a young girl from Khartoum
Who took a nancy boy up to her room.
She said, 'Now, my dear,
'Let's get one thing quite clear:
'Who does what-and when-and to whom.'

There was a bobbie from up Clapham Junction
Whose prick had long ceased to function.
All the years of his life
He pleasured his wife
With snot on the end of his truncheon.

There was a young fellow from Buckingham
Who stood on a bridge at Uckingham
Watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em.

There was a young sailor called Dave
Who kept a dead 'ore in a cave
It took him some pluck
To have a cold fuck
But think of the money he saved!

There once was a girl from Penlochrie
Who had sex with a man on a rockery
She said, 'Oh, you've cum.
'All over my bum.
'This isn't a fuck. It's a mockery.'

There was a young girl from Penzance
Who boarded a bus in a trance
A passenger fucked her
And so'd the conductor
The driver shot off in his pants.

There was a young man from Wales
Whose yachting technique never fails.
He dines on baked beans
And plenty of greens,
And his farts put the wind in the sails.

There was a young man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
Within an hour
His cock was in flower,
And his balls were all covered with weeds.

There once was a vampire named Mabel
Whose periods were rather unstable.
One night at full moon,
She took out a spoon
And drank herself under the table.

There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
Wiping spunk off his chin,
'If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.'