SEE THE CLIPS ON YOUTUBE!

Ahead of the paperback version of my next book, I'm going to be releasing clips of Pope Burning, Oil Wrestling, Shin Kicking, Arseblowing and many other events on YouTube.

To see the latest ones, here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/jrdaeschner.

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EUROTRIPPING HAS LAUNCHED!

VISIT WWW.EUROTRIPPING.TV FOR TRUE BRITS NEWS!

With the launch of Eurotripping, I've merged True Brits News into EUROTRIPPING NEWS, providing updates not only on Continental events such as Baby Jumping and Bottom Blowing, but also grand old British traditions like Gurning and the Burry Man.

So if you'd like to see the latest UK and Continental news, please visit www.eurotripping.tv.

Or sign up for the free newsletter here.

Eurotripping: If you think you know Europe, think again.

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JR'S NEW BOOK TO LAUNCH ON 1st JUNE   May 2006

After months of biting my tongue, I can finally talk about it: my new book will be out in June, just in time for the summer holidays.

Eurotripping: A Bottom-Blowing, Baby-Jumping, Matchmaking Odyssey Around Europe will be available in all good bookshops as of 1 June 2006, featuring not one but two colour photo sections and covering some seventeen events in eleven countries.

If you'd like to sneak a peek at the jacket -- or maybe even pre-order a copy (he says hopefully) -- take a gander at Amazon.

We'll also be launching a new website for the occasion. For a reminder closer to the time, please feel free to drop me a line here.

All the best, and I hope you enjoy the new book. I certainly had fun writing it.

JR

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM TRUE BRITS!    January 2006

This isn't meant to be a namby-pamby, noncommittal festive greeting, but a last-minute salutation to cover both Christmas and the New Year.

The holidays have done snuck up and whooped me this year. Why, it seems only yesterday that people were complaining about how early the shops were putting up Christmas decorations.

Amid the usual Yuletide 'brights' this month, my favourite story was about a Scottish Santa who staved off an attack by seven yobs at a shopping mall in Paisley.

Armed with only a Christmas tree and a sack full of goodies, the 51-year-old Santa fought the hooligans until back-up arrived - in the form of rent-a-cop security, as opposed to a posse of pipe-wielding elves.

'There were books in the sack, so it was quite an effective shield,' he said.

Take it from Santa: not only are books good for reading, they're perfect for self-defence.

At which point I could urge you to buy a tome for Christmas (in fact, I have a particular one in mind), but I'll resist the temptation.

If you're wondering what to do with yourself after Christmas, here are a couple of events that are certainly unique experiences.

Despite last year's police interference, locals in Cornwall will no doubt be blacking up and singing on Boxing Day and New Year's during Padstow's controversial 'Darkie Days'.

And on Christmas Day and New Year's, men in the Orkney Islands will be beating ten bells out of each other in Kirkwall's 'Ba' Game: one of the roughest forms of 'mob football' in the British Isles.

Here are some pictures of the annual clashes between the Uppies and the Doonies.

The year I witnessed the Ba', I interviewed an old-timer whose son had almost died after cracking his head on a street corner during the Christmas Day match.

I asked the veteran whether he blamed the other side for his son's near-fatal injury.

'No,' he growled. 'It's these bloody new kerbs the council is putting in.'

Here's hoping that all your holidays are crackers!

True Brits: You think you know Britain? Think again.

Down in the Deep South of England, they'll be burning the Pope in earnest this month to commemorate the 400th anniversary of the Gunpowder Plot.

If you haven't already made arrangements to visit the Bonfire Capital of the World, don't worry - the locals don't want you there anyway.

The Lewes Bonfire Council in East Sussex has issued its standard statement to try to discourage outsiders from swamping the town on November the Fifth.

If you're hellbent on seeing Pope burning, though, you should follow the Cliffe Bonfire Society.

Be warned: the 5-pound tickets to Cliffe's bonfire site won't be available on the night, and you can't pre-order them.

You'll either need to get there early to try to buy them during the day or ask a local to purchase them for you in advance.

Alternatively, you could do what I'm planning to do (purely for deadline reasons) and listen to the action on the Internet via Lewes' very own Bonfire station, Rocket FM.

I may have a deadline looming, but nothing could stop me from updating you on this year's World Gurning Championships.

The world's ugliest competition, held near the infamous Sellafield nuclear power plant in Cumbria, received precious little media coverage this year, probably because the winners were just the same ol' ugly mugs.

Tommy Mattinson won the men's title for the umpteenth time, and Kath Taylor came out of a very short-lived retirement to clinch the women's championship for the second year in a row.

Tommy sent me an email a few months back, taking me to task for failing to point out that he has in fact been the 'World's Ugliest Man' for some time.

Alas, the chapter on gurning in True Brits focuses on his rival, the dearly departed Peter Jackman. Here's an excerpt.

Peter had all his teeth removed for 'The Art of Pullin' Faces', concurring with the sage advice from the World's Ugliest Woman: 'You can only do it good if you have got dentures. You can't do it with your own teeth in.'

Here's a photo of our Kath, courtesy of the BBC.

Hits to www.truebrits.tv have shot up this month thanks to a story about the Home Secretary's failure to ban a fetish club from his constituency.

TheRegister.co.uk reports that Norwich council granted planning permission for the Trample Fetish Club, despite opposition from Charles Clarke, the local MP who also happens to be head of the UK's war on terror.

The new nightclub bills itself as 'the only Trample Fetish Club in a 100-mile radius of Norwich', boasting a Dungeon, a 'Trample Room', a 'Crush Room' and a 'Smoothing Room', where hostesses sit on men's faces.

A concerned Register reader points, quite rightly: 'If Mr Clarke can't stop a few middle-aged pervs, then what chance does he have against world terrorism?'

I should probably note here that True Brits has no affiliation with middle-aged pervs or the Trample scene; I myself prefer a good trammelling.

The True Brits link comes from some enterprising webwork by reporter John Oates, who adds that 'there are historical roots to all this painful strangeness -- Norwich was for many years the centre of "Norfolk wrestling" or shin kicking. More on shin kicking here.'

So it behoves me to return the favour. You can read 'Clarke Gets Spanked' at The Register.

Enjoy!

True Brits: You think you know Britain? Think again

Not like you've been pining for it, I know, but it's been a long time since the last edition of True Brits News.

Then again, there hasn't been much good news in the UK over the past month or so.

We've had the shock, the anger, the sadness and the stoicism, not to mention plenty of Blitz spirit and upper-lip stiffness, but I can't wait for the British sense of humour to kick in to prove not only that we're not afraid of the terrorists, but also that we laugh in the face of their hatred.

Think Chaplin satirising Hitler or even the spoof emails that made the rounds after 9/11, most memorably the Taliban TV Guide featuring programmes like 'Panoramadan', 'When Imams Attack' and 'Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer'.

Apologies if it's still too early, but one obvious object of ridicule are the gutless clerics who con young men into becoming suicide bombers while they themselves cling very comfortably to this life: for the imams, clearly 72 Virgins Can Wait.

I keep picturing a cleric dropping a couple of bombers off at a train station and saying 'Sorry, my sons, may Allah be with you, but I've gotta run. I'm double-parked.'

Another skit could be a Newsnight interview with one of the many men-in-beards ensconced on our screens: Sir Iqbal Sacranie, head of the Muslim Council of Britain.

FOCUS on Paxman interrogating: 'Sir Iqbal, some of your critics say your acceptance of a knighthood earlier this year proves you're out of touch with young Muslims. What do you say to that?'

CUT to Sir Iqbal in full Crusader gear--chain-metal body armour and a tunic with the Cross of St. George--his helmet flapping as he blusters: 'Out of touch!?! Zounds and ye gods! Who says I'm out of touch?!?'

And if neither of those raised a smile, here's a bit of gurning.

Whether life in the UK will ever truly get back to normal is debatable, but I was cheered after speaking with the Vintners Society about its annual Street-Sweeping Ceremony, an event that dates back to the Middle Ages.

Every year, the entire company troupes through the City of London in medieval costume, carrying poseys to clear the air, with a porter out front, symbolically sweeping the street in front of them.

Given that this year's event came less than a week after the 7/7 attacks, it's nice to think that some aspects of the capital will never change.

'It never occurred to us that we would cancel it,' the Vintners told me.

Burry Man Day falls on Friday, 12 August, so if you're in Edinburgh for the festival, you really should nip out to South Queensferry to wish John Nicol well and join him for one of the seventeen shots of whisky he'll be drinking during his prickly tour.

And don't forget, the World Bog Snorkelling Championships will be held on Bank Holiday Monday, 29 August.

As proof of its ever-growing popularity, contestants this year have to pay an entry fee of 12 pounds ($22) for the privilege of swimming 120 metres through muck.

Back in my day, it was only a fiver.

Good news -- this year's Cheese Roll racked up only twenty casualties, including a winner who was still clutching his cheese as he was stretchered into an ambulance.

'The pain was worth it,' he said of his sprained ankle.

Cheese Rolling has run into plenty of opposition over the years, mainly from health and safety officials. At one point, a local hospital refused to treat the wounded, arguing that they had only themselves to blame for their injuries.

However, this year a new group joined the Anti-Cheese Rollers.

According to the Guardian, vegans view the Cheese Roll as 'unethical' because the race uses a, um, cheese. They'd prefer a non-dairy projectile.

The chairwoman of PETA, the animal rights group, told the paper (hopefully with her non-carnivorous tongue in her cheek): 'It's just not fair that vegans cannot enjoy the fun of the cheese-rolling contest.'

Cheese or no cheese, they're always welcome to jump off a cliff.

So here it is: this year's list of winners, those men and women who walked the fine line between bravery and stupidity and fell off:

Dione 'Muppet' Carter, a New Zealander who won the women's race for the second year running (one report said she's a nanny; let's hope the kids in her care are goats);

Chris Anderson, the 17-year-old window fitter from Brockworth who hurt his ankle;

Jason Crowther, a 23-year-old from Pembrokeshire; and

Aaron Walden, an 18-year-old from Gloucester.

True Brits salutes you.

The Cotswold Olimpicks are coming up on Friday, featuring the notoriously painful sport of Shin Kicking.

If you haven't already seen it, check out the website of the Shin Kicking Association of Britain, of which I'm proud to be a founding member.

Unfortunately, we're still trying to round out the list of the Top Ten Reasons Why Shin Kicking Should be an Olympic Sport.

Suggestions to: skab@skab.co.uk.

True Brits: If you think you know Britain, think again.

Got a death wish?

Cheese Rolling is almost here, the time of year when humans converge on a hill in the West Country like lemmings on a cliff.

This year's event, on Bank Holiday Monday, May 30, could see the biggest turnout ever, thanks to a couple of cheesy ventures.

At least one company in London is bussing backpackers out to Gloucestershire for the day (the 30-pound tickets have already sold out), and another website is pitching the Cooper's Hill Cheese Roll as an alternative venue for a stag party.

Just think: half your wedding party could be on crutches.

For those unfamiliar with the glorious old pastime of chasing a cheese-wheel down a seventy-degree incline, you can read an excerpt and trivia from True Brits and even see a video of the event here.

Given all the newcomers, I thought I'd catch up with former champ Steve Brain to find out some cautionary advice on what not to do.

A winner of no less than 18 cheeses, Steve ended his career with a compound fracture last year after he snapped his leg while hurtling down the hill.

(If you're not one for gory details, look away now).

'The bones come out just above me ankle,' he told me. 'Basically, my foot was completely severed. It was hangin' on by a bit of skin.'

'When it broke, it sounded like I stepped on a stick. I sat down and tried to put my foot back in place, but it just kept flopping to the side. I must've been in shock.'

I reckon that's a fair assumption.

Steve says he's fully recovered now -- after a skin graft on the wound and three months off work last year to recuperate.

'I was lucky. I'm not that badly injured. I could definitely do the race again, but at the end of the day, you gotta take a hint.'

His warning to this year's runners: 'It's very competitive now, with people coming from all over the world to run in it. If people are gonna win it, it's gonna cost 'em a bit more.'

A 3-FOR-2 AND NEW REVIEWS

Fortunately, though, if you want to read about Cheese Rolling from the safety of your own armchair, it's now gonna cost you a bit less.

Borders and Books Etc. have included 'True Brits' in their special 3-for-2 promotion on travel books this month, alongside the likes of Bryson, McCarthy and co.

Meanwhile, reviewers across the Atlantic have been shocked by my tales of Cheese Rolling.

Here's the review from the Washington Times and a syndicated critique from the Montreal Gazette.

SHIN KICKING COMING UP

The Cooper's Hill Cheese Roll begins at noon on Monday, May 30th.

And don't forget: if you survive, there's always Shin Kicking at the Cotswold Olimpicks on the following Friday, June 3rd.

This just in from the election:

As Britain headed to the polls, one man summed up the nation's mood.

Happy Gurn-Day!

True Brits: If you think you know Britain, think again.

We've added a triple bill of movies to the site so you can see how they celebrate May Day out in the West Country: with booze, dancing, dirty limericks and a bit of mock buggery.

You can see the movies here.

It sure beats skipping around while trying to braid strands of crepe paper onto a maypole, the cleaned-up, Victorian version of the custom that spread to both sides of the Atlantic. (I still have nightmares.)

A friend recently confessed over a pint that he used to pull a sickie rather than have to prance around the maypole at school.

With one component missing from the clockwork, you can imagine the chaos: kids crashing into each other, teachers screaming, a knotted ball of colour atop the maypole.

Out in Padstow and Minehead they don't braid (or plait) the maypole, but they do ram into each other. It's all part of the fun.

May Day will be celebrated there on Monday the 2nd this year out of respect for the Sabbath.

Out of respect for you, I should warn that the limericks song on the movies page uses some language that's not to everyone's tastes.

Here's a sample of one of the milder verses:

"There was a young hooker from Looe."

"Who filled her vagina with glue."

To read on, click here.

Mark your calendars: the Cooper's Hill Cheese Roll falls on Monday, May 30th, followed by the Cotswold Olimpicks on Friday, June 3rd.

And if you haven't signed up for our new Happy Gurn-Day email, you can do so here.

We've got new ones coming out each week!

"True Brits" has hit US bookshops, and I was in New York for the launch.

Unfortunately, it coincided with the last earthly hours of John Paul II, so it probably wasn't the best time to be pitching a book that highlights Pope burning.

"The media here are terrible," muttered a Haitian taxi driver as we passed the TV vans next to St. Patrick's Cathedral. "The Pope's not even dead yet, and they're already camped outside."

If you're looking for something to cheer you up, you could do worse than check out the UGLY-MUG COUPLE.

It never fails to make me smile.

Pass it on!

"A FINE TRAVELOGUE"

The latest review comes from the Austin American-Statesman, which I like to think of as the Texan equivalent of the New York Times.

Reviewer Edward Nawotka preferred "True Brits" to the latest moneyspinner by a former member of Monty Python, Eric Idle's "Greedy Bastard Diary".

"While Daeschner's willingness to take personal risks for his reportage is impressive -- he often tries events more than once -- what's even more satisfying is his commitment to explaining some basic elements of mainstream British culture alongside all the weirdness."

"For example, during a discussion of bog snorkeling, in which people race 120 meters through freezing, murky water, he serves up a lengthy explanation of the phenomenon of the Page 3 Girl, the topless photo that often runs in most British tabloid newspapers."

"When describing Gurning, a form of clowning to produce the ugliest facial expression, he embeds the history of the Sellafield nuclear reactor, home to the second worst nuclear power plant accident in history. Another time, he combines a thorough explanation of Protestant anti-Catholicism and the conflict in Northern Ireland, with a description of 'pope burning.' (Only the book can do it justice.)"

"Daeschner's fine travelogue confirms that British comedic culture, whether embodied by Eddie Izzard or "The Office," is fed from wellsprings of oddball tradition."

Let the Shin Kicking commence!

My debut book, True Brits, launches in the US on April Fool's Day, and to mark the occasion, I've added video clips of some truly eccentric British pastimes to www.truebrits.tv:

Shin Kicking

Cheese Rolling

--and the most controversial of all--

"Darkie Day"

"Darkie Day" recently won a reprieve after Her Majesty's Crown Prosecution Service decided that it isn't racist.

The threat of a ban triggered reams of outraged commentary, mostly from people who've never seen "Darkie Day."

I have (more than once), and now you can too via this exclusive video clip.

Bizarrely, the song the Cornish "Darkies" are singing is an old tune by America's very own Stephen Foster, with the decidedly un-PC lyrics intact.

Before rushing to judgment, though, you really should find out more.

And I happen to know an excellent book on the subject -- not to mention the even older tradition of Pope Burning

"VERY FUNNY AND ENTERTAINING"

The latest review of True Brits is in, this one from InsideOut travel magazine:

"If you think you know all about Britain and its strange pastimes, read True Brits: A Tour of Great Britain in all its Bog-Snorkelling, Shin-Kicking and Cheese-Rolling Glory by J.R. Daeschner."

"Coming out in March/April 2005, this book is a very funny and entertaining account of an American living in the UK who discovers the joys of shin kicking and pope burning among other things."

STICK AROUND

If you like a laugh, sign up for our email newsletter: we've got a Gurners' Gallery lined up, as well as a Dirty Limericks movie and footage of Prince Charles at a Mob Football match.

I couldn't have done any of this without the web-design skills of Will Richards at Slabmedia and Abby Bowen at Vulcan Foundry.

Will is a London designer who has recently moved to Wales to start his very own design cult while also working on major media campaigns and the latest album cover for indie Brit band Morcheeba.

Abby is the professional light of my life whose interactive FightBox show, developed with husband Fin, aired for the first time in the UK in 2003/04.

NO FOOLIN'!

We've got a fantastic treat coming up on April Fool's Day.

Be sure to check in again on April the 1st to see Ultimate Gurning: The Ugly-Mug Couple.

Or if you're forgetful like me, you could always sign up for an email reminder.

Well, advance reviews of True Brits are in from the States, and I can't really complain.

Here's the one from BookPage:

"J.R. Daeschner knows more than a little something about participatory journalism. In True Brits, he travels the United Kingdom in search of all things eccentric and extraordinary.

"With little regard to safety or sanity, Daeschner squares off for a shin-kicking contest in the Cotswolds and snorkels bravely through the murky muck and cold of a Welsh bog. He makes his way to every village festival and small-town celebration he can, knowing that such events survive 'because they reinforce a sense of identity, community, and continuity.'

"More importantly, he understands that 'people take an inordinate pride in the local idiosyncrasies that distinguish them from a thousand other places: they're proud to be peculiar.' In Daeschner's world, this is certainly cause for celebration."

"ABSURD YET INTRIGUING"

The Library Journal has called it "a fun collection of centuries-old local sporting traditions in England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland that can best be described as absurd yet intriguing to the outsider.

"Such fascinating competitions as shin kicking in Chipping Campden in the Cotswolds, gurning (making the ugliest facial expression) in Egremont in far northwest England, and riding a bicycle through the bogs of Llanwrtyd Wells, Wales, make for captivating reading.

"Daeschner enhances his travelogue with interviews from participants and local residents, providing firsthand accounts of both their bravery and human lunacy. He attempts to trace how these sports came to be and gives a little history of each highlighted community.

"An insightful travel narrative in the tradition of Bill Bryson's 'Notes from a Small Island'."

Elsewhere, A Common Reader ran an excerpt as the centerpiece in its latest catalogue, calling True Brits "a charming, affectionate, and hilarious book."

THE BIG DAY

True Brits is published in the US on April Fool's Day. But why wait? You could always order a copy now at Amazon.

In the meantime, you can read excerpts here.

Enjoy!

Here's wishing the very best for you and yours in 2005.

I was back in the States over the holidays and yet again amazed by the boundless popularity of BBC America (and, less happily, Simon Cowell).

The Beeb's US appeal seems to transcend regional differences, revealing Anglophiles in the unlikeliest places and providing some surreal moments.

Where my parents live - an area so remote they had trouble getting phone lines installed - you can watch Graham Norton on BBC America while the Amish clatter past in horse-drawn carriages.

You can also buy clotted cream via satellite TV (scones optional).

TRUE BRITS' US DEBUT

At long last, I can announce that True Brits is going to be published in the US this year, aptly enough on April Fool's Day.

My publisher over there is Overlook Press, the American home of Wodehouse and Wilde, as well as more recent bestsellers such as Dave Gorman's Googlewhack Adventure and the spoof travel guide, Molvania: A Land Untouched by Modern Dentistry.

Here's a link to the US edition of True Brits, along with a new excerpt.

A TRUE MILESTONE

Believe it or not, visits to www.truebrits.tv have now passed the half-million mark, averaging nearly 2,000 hits a day.

One of the more entertaining aspects of running the site (I don't get out much) is seeing the bizarre search strings that people punch into Google et al before stumbling onto truebrits.tv.

Here are just a few: "blind animal panic"? "convene catheter pictures" ? and "shot off in his or shoot off in my pants or jeans".

I can't promise any pictures of catheters this year, but I can tell you that we're planning a gurning gallery, an Ugly Mug competition and more video clips (including one of Prince Charles singing 'God Save the Queen' through gritted teeth).

Watch this space!

The festive season is upon us and with it the usual controversies: bureaucrats accommodating all-comers (but the faithful) and tabloids launching urgent 'Save Our Christmas' campaigns.

Madame Tussauds erected a nativity scene featuring David Beckham as Joseph and Bush, Blair and the Duke of Edinburgh as the Three Wise Men. Then a celeb-basher desecrated it.

Is nothing sacred?

Meanwhile, the tabs have been documenting the demise of the 'fun-filled' Christmas office party, as well as Santa's grotto and public nativity scenes.

In response, the Sun has sent its very own living nativity scene on a road trip around the country, taking in the Hertfordshire village of Cold Christmas.

I'm all in favour of people defending what's dear to them, but I don't know which is more distasteful-'Posh' Spice playing the Virgin Mary (with Kylie writhing on high as an angel)-or a nativity scene that shows the Wise Men reading the Sun.

Speaking of reading (how's that for a link?), the latest edition of True Brits is now on sale at select Marks & Spencer's around the UK.

This 'Special to M&S' version includes bonus photos and an added chapter on Hot Penny Throwing at Oxford University.

Unlike sports with obscure monikers like 'golf' and 'tennis', Hot Penny Throwing consists of exactly that.

In the spirit of charity, students at Lincoln College stand on a tower overlooking the quad and pelt burning coins at kids from a local state school.

That'll teach 'em!

The main purpose of this missive is to wish you all 'Happy Holidays', a safely generic term covering Christmas, Hanukkah and New Year's, not to mention Cornwall's 'Darkie Days', which coincide (ironically) with Kwanzaa in the US.

In case you're not proper Cornish, 'Darkie Day' takes place on Boxing Day and New Year's in Padstow, the culinary HQ of chef Rick Stein.

Locals blacken their faces and parade through the streets singing minstrel songs with stubbornly non-PC lyrics. You can read an excerpt here.

Sadly, this year they've lost one of their main defenders, Ziggy Holder, Padstow's only black resident, who died recently at the age of 70.

What I liked best about Ziggy was that he confounded your expectations.

Whereas some viewed his defence of Darkie Day as a whitewash (what else was he gonna say?), in reality any quibbles he had focused on the quality of the music.

His family were staunch Wagnerians (hence his full name, Siegfried) and he also liked Strauss and Mahler-'all heavy stuff'.

'The music on Darkie Day is not the most pleasant you've ever heard," he once told me. 'It's a mindless sort of-what's the word?- doggerel. I've got an ear that's attuned to decent music, man!'

Nevertheless, he sincerely loved Padstow and its people and felt more at home in Britain than in Trinidad, the land of his birth.

Ziggy Holder, Rest in Peace.

True Brits fans have two dates to mark in their calendars for October: Faggot Cutting on Thursday the 7th and the Guildford Book Festival on Tuesday the 19th.

The former, properly known as the Quit Rents Ceremony, ranks as one of England's oldest official rituals and features the scrap of black-and-white chequered cloth that gave the finance ministry, or Exchequer, its name.

During the ceremony, a High Court judge known as the Queen's Remembrancer receives payment of two knives, six horseshoes and 61 nails as a token rent for two properties in central London.

The thing is-and this is what fascinated me in the first place-no one knows exactly where the properties are.

Her Majesty's reminder, Master Robert Turner, always enlivens the occasion with a witty speech, so it's well worth going along to the Royal Courts of Justice on the day.

The ceremony starts at 3 p.m. in Court 4, Thames River traffic permitting (some of the officials arrive by boat).

Another event that I would highly recommend is the Guildford Book Festival, not least because I'm going to be speaking there myself.

I'm on a panel moderated by Annie Caulfied, whose latest project, Kingdom of the Stars, is being made into a movie, while the other writer on board is Polly Evans, who drove a motorcycle around New Zealand for her new book, Kiwis Might Fly.

The show starts at 8:30 p.m. in the Electric Theatre. For more info, click here.

Other invitees to the Home Counties litfest include: Ken Follett, Julian Fellowes, Joan Collins, William Hague, Tom Conti, Jon Snow, Terry Jones, Max Hastings and Jacqueline Wilson.

I know, I know-I've never heard of them either.

At long last, I've finally managed to sift through the caption contest entries.

Thanks to those who entered - and congratulations to Tony Roddam for his winning caption.

A copy of True Brits will be winging its way to him shortly.

It was mostly the same ol' ugly mugs at this year's World Gurning Championships.

Defending champ Tommy Mattinson won his fourth consecutive title, while women's record holder Anne Woods was outgummed by greyheaded newcomer Kath Taylor.

Check out the BBC's photos.

The most shocking bit for me was news that the Greasy Pole Competition had to be cancelled for insurance reasons.

Apparently the organisers had difficulty finding a company to insure the event, which encourages youngsters to shin up a forty-foot lubricated pole with nothing but the hard tarmac below to catch them.

All together now:

It's political correctness / the nanny society / the compensation culture gone maaaaad!

In my next missive, I'll bring you news of the latest Bonfire Night brouhaha, as well as forthcoming editions of True Brits.

True Brits: You think you know Britain? Think again?

Happy Horn Dance Day!

Spare a thought today for the men of Abbots Bromley, who will be prancing through the Staffordshire countryside with reindeer antlers on their heads.

I'm endeavouring to post a video clip of the dance on www.truebrits.tv by end of play today, so be sure to check the movies page later.

In the meantime, you can see pictures of the event on the village website.

And of course you can read about it in this excerpt from True Brits.

A group of pagans has organised a camping event in the village this year, featuring the inaugural meeting of the Association of Polytheist Traditions. ("Visitors are invited to 'dress up' for the occasion and come in costume", the website says.)

Whatever their dress sense, they obviously have good taste in books:

"If you want to know the history and truth about the Horn Dance and other 'strange' British practices, *True Brits* by J.R. Daeschner is an absolute 'must'."

You heard it here first: well, almost.

In the fevered brainstorm of creativity that inspired my last missive -- or not, as the case may be -- I forgot to mention my scoop about bog snorkelling.

Those of you who are aficionados of the sport will already know that Philip John, a teenager from South Wales, won his third straight title this year, completing the course in just one minute 39 seconds.

However, you should also know that the inventor of bog snorkelling told me from the privacy of his bathtub that he's considering a new challenge: a Bog Triathlon comprising bog snorkelling and its two-wheeled offshoot, mountain-bike bog snorkelling.

I had worked that much out, but I had to ask Gordon Green what the third leg of the triathlon would be.

'Well, that would just be a normal running event,' he said. 'I need to get someone else to organise it, though. I've got too much to do as it is.'

The Cystic Fibrosis Trust reaped the funds raised by the World Bog Snorkelling Championship, which is sponsored by an Unidentified Ice Cream Company. (Hint: it's not Häagen-Dazs.)

The same firm also used to sponsor the World Gurning Championship in Cumbria.

One year the organisers went out of their way to appease their sponsors by plastering promotional signs and stickers all over the stage.

As if that weren't enough, the horse collar that the gurners use to frame their faces was also covered in stickers screaming the company's name.

It was the kind of over-the-top, eyesore advertising that even David Beckham would've baulked at: 'No, Victoria, I'm not having your name tattooed on my forehead. No, not even in Sanskrit.'

So it was satisfying to overhear the conversation between a couple in the audience as they scoffed the free samples of ice cream.

'What's it called?' the man asked his wife.

'I don't know. Frankie and Benny's or something.'

If you do make it up to the gurning in Egremont on Saturday, 18th September, I can highly recommend the family-run Hartley's ice cream store, whose motto could be: 'You'll never want another Christmas Pudding Ice Cream again.'

They make all their dairywares on site, including old-fashioned handmade ice-cream sandwiches while you wait (I'd only ever had pre-packaged ones).

And if you need a B&B in Egremont, I know one with a panoramic view of Sellafield, site of the world's second-worst nuclear disaster (after Chernobyl).

Book your tickets now!

On 19 October I will be speaking at the Guildford Book Festival (not to be confused with the Frankfurt Book Fair, of course, even though they do take place the same month).

Details on that and more in my next update.

Don your flippers and slap on your snorkel!

This weekend the World Bog Snorkelling Championship squelches back into the limelight, with Britain's self-styled smallest town bracing itself for the smelly onslaught.

Llanwrtyd Wells, a former spa resort smack dab in the middle of Wales, hosts the world's filthiest 'sport' this Bank Holiday Monday.

To find out what's in store, I gave organiser Gordon Green -- the Godfather of Bog Snorkelling -- a ring.

He happened to be in the bath at the time, which seemed vaguely ironic, but he still saw fit to give me the lowdown.

More than 100 competitors -- a record number -- have registered in advance to brave the bog, not counting the have-a-go yahoos who sign up on the day.

'I don't know if we'll be able to cope with it!' Gordon chuckled.

A European TV crew had been planning to film a paraplegic competing in the race (honest!), but unfortunately he had to pull out.

'He damaged his wheelchair, believe it or not.'

To read about my own sorry attempt at bog snorkelling, and see footage of the event, simply click here.

Burry Man Day has come and gone, giving me an opportunity to catch up with my friend John Nicol, the bravest heart in Scotland.

As you'll recall, John happily volunteers each year to be carpeted head to foot in spiky cockleburs before lumbering through his hometown for eight hours with nothing to drink but whisky and no easy means of going to the toilet.

This prompted an email from a concerned reader of True Brits.

'Why doesn't the Burry Man wear a convene?' she asked.

I'm relieved to say I didn't know what a "convene" was.

However, thanks to the online Incontinence Resource Center ("Where the World Meets for Incontinence-Related Issues"), I now know that a "convene" is a polite term for a condom -- aka sheath -- catheter.

So I put the question to the Burry Man himself. Ever thoughtful, John explained why he wouldn't be wearing a johnny on the day.

'Modernising the Burry Man to lessen my discomfort is something I would be very careful and sensitive about doing,' he said.

'Going to the toilet and the perceived "toilet problem" is a fairly small area of concern in comparison to the big factors on the day, namely heat, whisky and jagginess.'

Besides, convenes don't seem that convenient, judging from the painful experience of one contributor to the Incontinence Resource Center.

'Pubic hair is a problem to some extent,' he wrote. 'If you can just grin and bear the pain when removal time comes, that's fine. OK, I'm a wimp so I lathered up well in the shower and proceeded to carefully shave the pubic hair from the shaft of my penis.'

'Well, let me say that I am not in any hurry to do that again! If you think your face is sensitive, wait til you see how sensitive the skin on your penis is! As gentle as I was, it was one burning experience and I really don't think I'll ever do it again!'

It's a wonder they let that man near any sharp objects at all.

I know, I know -- the deadline for the Burry Man Caption Contest was meant to be 20 August, but due to my technical ineptitude, I haven't yet managed to post a winner.

That means there's still time to sneak in an entry by clicking here.

And if you still haven't picked up a copy of True Brits -- "The Bog Snorkeller's Bible" -- you can always do so at Amazon.

What better way to spend a Bank Holiday Weekend?

In the next edition of True Brits News, I will endeavour to update you on the results of the caption contest and this year's World Bog Snorkelling Championships!

Scotland's Burry Man is covered scalp to ankle in cockleburs before stalking the streets of South Queensferry for eight hours with nothing to drink but whisky.

You can see what he looks like by clicking here.

In honour of the Scottish scapegoat, I'm inaugurating a True Brits Caption Contest.

The prize for the funniest caption is a free copy of my book.

Click here to see the photo and have a go.

The deadline is 20 August!

In the end, though, I did get some sofa time on ITV's "This Morning" show, chatting with Fern 'n' Phil about the last few sports in which the British are world champions.

These included two events featured in True Brits - shin kicking and bog snorkelling - as well as several that I knew nothing about.

As a result, I spent my time in the green room desperately swotting up on extreme ironing, lawnmower racing and elephant polo, while an extreme ironer called Starch lounged next to me watching the BBC's rival morning show.

We were due to be interviewed at the beginning of the programme, but we got pushed back by the ramblings of 'stage legend' Danny La Rue.

Our hosts later apologised, explaining that they hadn't been able to shut the old boy up.

Personally, I would have chosen the moment when he said, 'You know the story about Harry Secombe, don't you?'

I knew who Harry Secombe was, but I had no idea about La Rue until I looked up his website, which shows him dressed as 'Marlena'. (Dig the twinkling background - it's 'cause he's a star, see?)

As I walked through the swinging doors into the studio, I happened to pass Barbara Taylor Bradford, who was doing the rounds promoting her 20th novel.

'See you next year,' she smiled to the producers, content in the knowledge that daytime TV will always have time for her.

Maybe I'm naïve, but I'm always surprised how scared interviewers are of the controversial bits in True Brits, namely Pope Burning and "Darkie Day".

Faces drain and sphincters tighten at the mere mention of the events.

A DJ in London once asked me about Cornwall's Darkie Day, and I explained that locals stroll around in blackface and sing songs that have decidedly un-PC lyrics.

'Which we DON'T want to hear!' his producer suddenly hollered from the control booth.

As if I would really be so stupid as to recite them on air (you can see and hear them here).

A similar thing happened in another interview when I brought up Faggot Cutting, the old name for an ancient rent-paying ceremony that takes place in London's Royal Courts of Justice.

The strange thing about "faggot" is there's no real reason for it to cause offence in the UK, where a "fag" is a cigarette and a "faggot" a stick.

Nevertheless, earlier this month the regulator banned a TV ad for that infamous British dish, Faggots and Gravy.

In the commercial, a man groans when his wife tells him she's prepared the gravied meatballs for his usual Friday dinner.

'I've nothing against faggots,' he shrugs, 'I just don't fancy them.'

I'll bet the admen-and we can be sure they were men-sniggered themselves senseless when they came up with that one (as did the guy who gave the Paris Hilton sex video its name: "One Night in Paris").

However, the author of "The Good Faggot Guide" was outraged by the ban.

Richard James told The Birmingham Evening Mail it was political correctness gone mad.

'What are they going to ban next, puff pastry?'

I suspect you have to have a Brummie accent to understand what he was getting at.

In the meantime, I thought you might like to know the outcome of the Shin Kicking Championships at England,s Cotswold Olimpicks.

Veteran gamester Joe McDonagh won the title for the first time, wearing down his younger opponents with a combination of mulish stamina and donkey kicks.

However, his own shins also took some punishment.

'I had quite a few scars~the first bloke I fought was wearing motorbike boots with steel toecaps, which I didn,t find out until later,' he told me.

'I might be retiring this year.'

Nevertheless, his scabs confirm him as the right man to head SKAB, the Shin Kicking Association of Britain.

SKAB's quest to get shin kicking recognised as an Olympic sport continues apace.
The group even won a mention on American TV.
The CNBC news anchor was much amused by its motto: OIf ain,t broke, yer not kickin, hard enough!,

You can now see footage~geddit? foot-age~of "Kiddie Shin Kicking" by clicking here.
Alternatively, for a full-screen version, you can visit the Random House minisite .

For those of you who've already bought the book, this means that your copy is now an official first edition (as opposed to the only edition, thank God).

And for those of you who haven't, it means you,ve still got time to get your first edition with the original jacket before they sell out.

And for true bibliophiles, it means there's another edition to add to your collection of debut books by up-and-coming authors (I,m really stretching here).

Here,s the Amazon link.
Or you can always read the reviews and some excerpts for free before buying the book here on www.truebrits.tv

But enough shameless plugging~in coming weeks, I'll keep you updated on future events and seek answers to reader's questions such as: Why doesn't the Burry Man wear a catheter?

I'll also check in with Steve Brain to see how he's recovering from the compound fracture he suffered while chasing a cheese down Cooper's Hill.

It had to happen: an online petition has been launched to demand that shin kicking take its place in the pantheon of official Olympic sports.

A group of aficionados called the Shin Kicking Association of Britain - or SKAB - has put together a very convincing case for Olympic recognition.

The SKAB site lists nine reasons why shin kicking should make its debut at the Olympics (they couldn't think of ten).

My favourites are #1: "It beats competitive walking, synchronised swimming, 'DanceSport' and any number of namby-pamby pastimes already recognised by the International Olympic Committee (IOC)."

And #8: "Unlike most Olympic sports, it's a dead cert that at least one of the competitors will actually get hurt."

I'm proud to count myself an honorary SKAB member.

To join SKAB - and sign the petition - visit www.skab.co.uk.

Spread the word!

In writing "True Brits", I interviewed a Sir, a Lord and a Duke.

But the closest I ever got to the Royals - actually, the closest I ever wanted to get to the Royals - was the Queen's Remembrancer, who presides over the annual Quit Rents and Trial of the Pyx ceremonies in London.

Having read my book, he wrote me a kind note to say that he found it "most amusing - a very good read and so very accurate".

"Indeed, I know of no better introduction to the two ceremonies."

Not that there's much competition?

You can read an excerpt from the chapter on Faggot Cutting on truebrits.tv

A friend has pointed out that I failed to note that the Great British tradition of streaking finally made its full-frontal debut at Cheese Rolling this year.

My apologies - one advantage of writing a book is that you have plenty of time to make sure you include all the interesting bits, so to speak.

Readers of "True Brits" may recall that a man named "Digger" Gardener dashed down in nothing but a T-shirt and a jockstrap in 1983.

However, I can confirm that the idiot who threw himself down the hill last Monday was indeed stark bollock naked - as was all too apparent every time he tumbled.

Shin kicking returns to Dover's Hill outside Chipping Campden in Gloucestershire tonight.

I am planning to attend, though purely to film the spectacle for the movies page on truebrits.tv

I'll need the use of my legs for the trip back to London.

That's my excuse, and I'm sticking to it.

This year's Cheese Roll featured a Clash of the Titans, a former World Cup footballer, a squad of Ghurkhas, two busloads of Antipodeans and some truly shocking casualties.

The second race on Monday had to be delayed for half an hour because the ambulance team ran out of stretchers. One of the injured runners had been knocked unconscious and trampled by fellow cheese chasers.

Then a spectator had to be carted off the hill; apparently just watching the heart-stopping race gave him chest pains.

And to think Radio 4 asked me why people keep coming back year after year.

A new cheese-rolling movie will be posted asap on www.truebrits.tv

In the meantime, I have to relay to you what is possibly the best description of cheese rolling ever, courtesy of a, um, Belgian footballer.

A TV company persuaded former World Cup star Leo Van der Elst into risking his neck on Cooper's Hill for a celebs-in-peril series.

'The only thing I can compare it to - and this may sound strange - is taking a penalty shot in the World Cup,' the Belgian ace told me afterwards.

Van der Elst scored the crucial penalty against Spain in the 1986 World Cup, catapulting Belgium into the semifinals for the first (and only) time in its history.

'The adrenaline before and after that penalty was the same as the rush before and after the race. I don't remember what I did when I got to the bottom, but the TV crew said I was running around and shouting with my arms in the air.'

So there you have it - chasing a cheese down a 70-degree slope ranks right up there with scoring a make-or-break penalty in the World Cup.

Fortunately, Van der Elst hadn't seen the first race, which inflicted horrible injuries on veteran Steve Brain and another runner.

'But the rumour came up that there had been some serious injuries. I looked down at my producer, and he said "No, no, everything's fine" but I could see the colour draining from his face. And I thought, "Oh f***, what have I got myself into?"'

In the end, the brave Belgian wound up with just a crick in his back; not bad for a 42-year-old.

A historic clash between two cheese-chasing legends ended in agony and ecstasy, with Steve Brain suffering a compound fracture and his archrival gloating about his career-ending injury.

"Brainy" had been hoping to win all three men's races again this year, particularly after his local bookies started offering 20-1 odds on a hat-trick.

A treble would have broken the all-time record of 23 cheeses set by Stephen Gyde, who made a surprise appearance on the hill this year.

However, Brain wiped out in the first race and had to be stretchered off, with Gyde helping carry him.

This surprised me, because as far as I knew, the two Steves can't stand each other.

'Look, I don't get on with 'im, and he don't get on with me,' Gyde explained. 'But I thought I'd help carry 'im into the tent - well, just to take the piss, really. Just to rub it in. He saw me and he said, "F*** off! I don't want you in here!"'

Then "Gydie" gleefully pulled down his sock to show me just where the bone had broken through the skin on Steve's ankle.

'There's no way Steve Brain will ever beat me now!' he crowed.

Sadly, he may be right.

Steve told me beforehand that he was more nervous than usual this year, especially since his friends had money riding on him.

He also gave me his critique of True Brits.

'There was a few facts in there that even I didn't know, so I learned somethin'. And the racing bit - all the emotions and adrenaline when you're runnin' down the hill - you got that down to a T.'

Which feels like very high praise indeed.

I'll get his version of this year's events as soon as he's had a chance to recover.

Who said Australians are sexist?

After running down the hill, a me-so-macho presenter for Aussie TV did a piece to camera, his white shirt smeared with mud.

'I tell ya, somebody's gonna be glad when this gets home!' he grinned into the lens.

Rather than a dutiful 'little lady', I like to think he was referring to a gay lover-cum-launderer (only joking, Brucie).

For some strange reason, the Aussies and Kiwis were out in force, with a delegation of 107 - count 'em, 107 - hiring coaches to witness the spectacle.

Mindful of the fact that there are no pubs or stores on Cooper's Hill, they lugged up gigantic buckets of Budweiser (not Fosters) to maintain their blood levels.

I expected the Australians to trounce the New Zealanders, but they were outnumbered two to one.

Also, the Kiwis had a former All Black on hand. Marc Ellis won the second race, while a New Zealander called Muppet bagged the women's cheese.

Shin kicking takes place this Friday, 4 June, at England's very own summer 'Olimpicks' in the Cotswolds town of Chipping Campden.

I'll keep you posted on the proceedings!

The infamous Cooper's Hill Cheese Roll returns this Bank Holiday Monday, 31 May, with veteran Steve Brain gambling on victory in all three men's races.

'I wasn't going to do it this year, but the local bookies started offering odds on me scoring a hat-trick,' he told me.

The King of the Hill has won all three cheeses before, but his young rivals are always hard on his heels.

Odds on him repeating the feat are a steep 20-1.

Of course, I'll be right behind him, if only in spirit, cheering him on before heading to the pub.

I'll be adding new cheese rolling and shin kicking videos as soon as possible to www.truebrits.tv

In the meantime, if you haven't already, check out the excerpts, trivia and video clips here:

Aussie readers can finally get their mitts on True Brits when the book launches in Australia on 1 June.

Wherever I travelled for the book-no matter how remote the locale-it seemed I always ended up bumping into an Australian (or ten).

My favourite Aussie stories are the Girl from Wahroonga who became an English Lady and the Australian gurner who failed to impress the professionals in Cumbria. 'He was movin' his eyes and showin' his teeth, basically,' one frowned. 'He didn't do a lot with his face.'

Then there were the two bog snorkellers from Perth who braved the murk wearing cling-film corsets. And who could forget the limerick about a certain young man from Australia? [link to Dirty Limericks page].

Forget synchronised swimming in Athens.

England's very own summer "Olimpicks" take place next Friday, 4 June, featuring the venerable sport of shin kicking.

Rumour has it that some aficionados are even planning to petition the International Olympic Committee to have shin kicking recognised as an official sport.

Watch this space!

You heard it here first: one of the bestselling travel books of the year is bound to be Attention All Shipping: A Journey Round the Shipping Forecast, by my colleague, Charlie Connelly.

As an American, I have to admit that the shipping forecast is one British institution I've never quite understood.

But Charlie has gone far beyond the dry nautical roll call to discover some amazing yarns. My favourite so far is the story of the old boy who has turned a World War II fort off Suffolk into the independent "Principality of Sealand", complete with his own passports, stamps and crown prince.

Attention All Shipping is definitely worth a look:

And if you still haven't picked up your copy of True Brits, what are you waiting for?

'True Brits' has debuted in the UK's Top 10 travel titles, ranking at #8 after a movie tie-in, a couple of Brysons and a bestseller by a drummer from Genesis.

Thanks to everyone for continuing to support True Brits.

Here's the official chart from the industry's trade publication, the Bookseller:

THANK GORD! CHANCELLOR GETS OFF SCOT-FREE

Given that he steers the UK economy, it's good to know that Gordon Brown will at least have the use of both hands.

The annual Trial of the Pyx - an ancient quality check on the coinage of the realm - has found that this year's batch of newly minted pounds and pence are up to scratch.

Or, to quote the official verdict, the mix of metals in the coins is 'within the permitted variation'.

As Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown is also Master of the Mint, meaning that he is in effect on trial when the coins are tested in the ceremony, which dates back to the 13th century.

Back then, the government punished crooked mint masters by chopping off their hands.

Nowadays, had the verdict gone the other way, Mr. Brown might have faced community service planting acorns in the Forest of Dean.

For more about the Trial of the Pyx and London's little-known traditions, click here.

WEEKEND WAP AND ROLL

Gloucestershire's 'other' cheese roll takes place this weekend, though it's much more serene than the famous carnage on Cooper's Hill later this month.

The Randwick Wap takes place near Stroud this Saturday, featuring a queen, a mop man who sprinkles the crowds and a mock mayor in 18th century gear who gets dunked in a pool.

A couple of cheeses are also rolled down a slope, though no one dares run after them at Randwick.

"This cheese-rolling is a very mild affair compared to the Cooper's Hill run," a local told me when I visited. "That is absolutely staggering - highly dangerous, but I suppose that's what makes it."

The procession begins around 12:45 on Saturday at the War Memorial in Randwick.

To see the much more dangerous Cooper's Hill Cheese Roll, click here.

HAPPY MAY DAY FROM TRUE BRITS!    01/05/04

As world capitals brace for another tiresome round of protests, you might like to know that some places still celebrate May Day the old-fashioned way - with drinking, dancing, 'bootings' and lewd limericks:

'There was a young lady called Toyah / Who asked her old man to...'

For some light entertainment, you can watch our new May Day movies - and hear the Terrible Limerick Song - on www.truebrits.tv.

Enjoy!
JR

TRUE BRITS: "BRYSON MEETS TONY HAWKS"-THE OBSERVER    11/04/04

The Observer has highlighted True Brits as its "Paperback of the Week", declaring it "immensely funny": "best described in publisher-speak as Bill Bryson meets Tony Hawks".

Which turns out to be a good thing:

"Daeschner affects the foreign ingénue, and the intrinsic absurdity of these activities is a gift to any comic writer, but he does more than send up the silliness of the English," wrote Stephanie Merritt.

Click here to read the full review.

I've survived shin kicking, bog snorkelling and mob football, but I wasn't sure I'd last eight minutes on the sofa with "Richard & Judy". Read how I got on!

It may be a long way from Man of the Year, or even Man of the Moment, but Time magazine has praised True Brits as an "obsessive, down-and-dirty travelogue".

At least, I think it's a compliment:

"Daeschner's forays into cussed British culture blur the lines between past and present. And his plunging into the bog to witness tradition in the making means we don't have to. He clearly passes the dope test." Click here to read the full review.

Here's some other recent coverage:

The Sun: "We are mad for it"
and
The Western Mail

NO FOOLING-TRUEBRITS.TV LAUNCHES!    01/04/04

It's alive! Welcome to www.truebrits.tv!

This is the official website of "True Brits", featuring video footage, photos, trivia and other exclusive bits and bobs about events such as bog snorkelling, gurning, cheese rolling, Darkie Day, shin kicking and Pope burning.

Free updates-Please be sure to send me your email for updates on additions to the site, including the upcoming Gurning Gallery, as well news about this year's events.

All you have to do is email me at update@truebrits.tv

In the meantime, enjoy the site!

Here are some early reviews:

"This book is so good, you can open it anywhere and find something interesting."
--James O'Brien, LBC London radio

"Three stars: JR comes across as a genuine inquisitor. A surprisingly enjoyable read."
--Wanderlust magazine

"'True Brits' makes 'The Wicker Man' look like a fly-on-the-wall documentary."
--The Dug Out sports show